holding on

21st July 2008

I used to drive myself crazy because he never told me how he felt about us. So I never felt secure or certain of our future, only extraordinarily anxious. I held on so tight. And I spent a lot of time compromising a lot of me, to be the girl I thought he wanted me to be. To get him to love me. It was a horrible messy couple of years of never feeling quite good enough. Of questioning myself and of wondering what I was doing wrong. Of living with the Sword of Damocles. Of feeling a little bruised every time he described our future with the caveat of 'if this works out'.

And even after a year of not being anxious and scared and confused, when I met you I was always waiting for that feeling to come back. But it hasn't. And now that we are together, I have discovered a glorious freedom in not holding on too tight. I love the Saturday afternoons you spend playing soccer or out on the golf course. And the Friday nights you unwind from the stress of the week with pinball and beer and stupid, dirty jokes with your friends. I love that you always text or call. And that you come home to me.

 

ABOUT SAS

Hello, I'm Sas Petherick. I'm a self-doubt researcher, coach and podcaster who helps thinking humans transcend self-doubt. If you'd like to receive these posts in your inbox please subscribe here (with bonus info and first notice of opportunities to work with me). PS: I totallyInstagram - join me there?

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