a postcard from the middle of the middle
Well, here I am at 45.
All going well, I'm in the middle of the middle of this winding path (and I think I just stepped in dog poo *sigh*).
Have you ever walked a labyrinth? There is a beautiful ritual in three parts - to Release, Recieve and Return.
Walking a labyrinth is a moving meditation jam-packed with metaphor and meaning.
We begin with the Release - what are you ready to let go of?
There is one path, no wrong turns, only the invitation to keep moving. Easy peasy.
Yet there are moments of disorientation and questioning, of feeling lost and confused; the track winds unexpectedly, it's easy to feel like we are walking over the same old ground, that we've somehow messed it up.
I've been thinking about how much of the first half of my life has been about seeking.
I longed for someone to explain things to me: how to do life 'right', what it was all for, and what was my bloody purpose?! I took the search seriously.
But I did not uncover the answers in lecture theatres, packed with fellow eager philosophy students discussing existentialism. No enlightenment was found in the glass and steel towers of multi-national corporates. And the offices of Whitehall did not furnish me with any insight (other than Yes, Minister is in fact, a hard-hitting documentary).
Nowhere felt comfortable, like I belonged. I could never settle. There was always an urge to run.
But how many times so we start over before we realise there is nowhere to go but in?
I think I had to learn to let go of the very thing I wanted: certainty.
I've spent forty years learning how to be with the indefinite, ambiguous, iffiness of it all.
And I've found that most of the time, my only purpose is to be here in the poetry of NOW.
When I take a moment to look around and see that Autumn is here, the streets are littered with colour, leaves falling like blessings, whispering to us all: stay awake, stay awake, this is your life: don't go back to sleep.
The last half a dozen years have been blissfully drama-free. I am finally home in myself, my body, our marriage, this city. And I've found that peace brings its own conundrums and questions. We are always becoming.
At the centre of the Labyrinth is when we pause to Receive, before moving forward into the inevitable Return.
So here I am at the mid-point, the crux, the heart of it all: open, uncertain, grateful, questioning, ready.
Hello, I'm Sas Petherick. I'm a self-doubt researcher, coach and podcaster who helps thinking humans transcend self-doubt. If you'd like to receive these posts in your inbox please subscribe here (with bonus info and first notice of opportunities to work with me). PS: I totally ♥ Instagram - join me there?