a letter to my late mother on thanksgiving

25th November 2009

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Mum,

The knowledge that you are no longer here is a sudden raw sadness that strikes at odd times.

Strangely, I have been irrevocably changed for the better by your death; grief has made me so much more empathic, more patient, much more open-hearted about where you might be now (I am sure at times, I can feel your presence somewhere beneath the ether).

Always I wish for you to be here.

The worst moments have cut deeper because, on top of everything, you are not here when I need you.

The joys are tinged with the presence of your absence. I know you would be first on the dance floor, first to open the champagne; you are the first person I want to call.

But the loss of you has meant that in some way, you have been right here through this transition to becoming the me I know I was always supposed to be. The irony is that much of this is because you are not here.

As much as I cannot replace the wholeness of you, I have found ‘other mothers’ of all ages who have bolstered me, soared with me and stood beside me when the moment called; each having some quality I miss in you.

Often I have wished to have just one more day with you: one golden day to ask questions, hear your stories, hold your hand. And on Saturday afternoon I was driving alone, a few hours afterwards. Bubbling with excitement and love, I marvelled at the idea of being this happy.

Instantly, the bargain entered my head: ‘Would I swap this for a day with you?

I knew the answer at once, and it made me cry because, without hesitation, I chose my future over my past. I have found a deep love and affection that is real and palpable. And I know that I would not have found him, had I not lost you.

And so in some way I have found you again, and this is as perfect as it can ever mortally be. For all of it, I am so thankful.

I miss you every day.

Your Sas xxx

 

ABOUT SAS

Hello, I'm Sas Petherick. I'm a self-doubt researcher, coach and podcaster who helps thinking humans transcend self-doubt. If you'd like to receive these posts in your inbox please subscribe here (with bonus info and first notice of opportunities to work with me). PS: I totallyInstagram - join me there?

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