reclaiming bossy

September 19, 2017

Usually, there is a word.

Some phrase or sentence that when uttered, has the power to leave us feeling small and powerless. Diminished. Childlike.

I wonder what is it for you?

For me, that word is bossy. I have a vivid memory of being eight years old and being called a ‘bossy little girl’ by a teacher.

In that moment it felt like the worst thing I could ever be.

I had asked Miss Scott what time my little brother’s class was finishing.

This was important information to me. My brother was incredibly anxious when he started school, would grip onto Mum’s leg and scream and cry not to have to go. Grandad Harry used to pick us up and drive us each morning to minimise the trauma at the school gate.

For months I spent the morning in my brothers class to help him adjust. I remember feeling the weight of this responsibility, I was navigating the adult world, asking questions I thought Mum would ask. I felt so grown-up.

But I was immediately on the outer with my classmates and lunchtime became a torment of who would sit with me. I ended up making friends with other outsiders, including a girl named Jennifer who had an imaginary dog (sometimes I would pretend I could see him just to make her feel better).

I learnt it was kinder to say what people wanted to hear. At all costs, I shouldn’t make a fuss.

At eight I learned to put my needs second. I found it was necessary to plan ahead and be organised to get my schoolwork (which I loved) done. And when I learnt it was not safe to be direct, I used humour and self-deprecation to make requests.

I did that for the next 30 years to avoid the burning shame of ever being called bossy again.

Last Friday afternoon, Ash and I wandered through the Japanese maples at Westonbirt Arboretum. While Bohdi wandered about looking for disgusting things to roll in, we chatted about those poignant moments of our childhood that reduced us, the words that wielded so much power over our little spirits.

As we wandered through the reds and golds and ambers and rich glossy browns, I was struck by how much colour we had both lost when we came in contact with the confusing adult world.

This is where the seeds of self-doubt are planted. It’s so easy for us to remain bound in place by the vines they weave around us. But when we bring these memories into the light and have a little poke around, we get to see how much choice we still have over events that may be decades old.

As adults we are free to decide what meaning we give those experiences, we can have a deeper understanding of what else might have been going on, we can release ourselves from taking responsibility for events that were beyond our control.

This is how we heal the root causes of our self-doubt, rather than manage the symptoms. It’s how I have reclaimed bossy for my adult self.

Bossiness is organised compassion.

It’s about clarity and leadership and excellence. It’s about getting things that matter, done. It has turned out to be one of my greatest strengths.

And because bossy doesn’t sting anymore, I am not wasting time and energy tying myself in knots trying to avoid ever being labelled thus.

Finding my way through has set me free.

Understanding where the seeds of your self-doubt were sown and healing those hurts is a fundamental aspect of Your Self-belief Map. We follow a gentle process to help you look at the root causes of your Self-doubt, navigate your way through, and cultivate Self-belief. The class size is small, the content is rich, practical and immediately applicable to your life. I’d love to support you.

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4 Responses to “reclaiming bossy”

  1. Donna says:

    I have side-stepped, apologized for, and been ashamed of my own “bossiness” all my life. I tried to tame it with humor and self-deprecation. I’ve sugar coated request and pretended it didn’t matter what we did or when or how, when, in fact, it did. I never want to be “the fussy one.” And now I see this behavior is not serving me well -as though I am denying myself in the truest sense. Thank you for reminding me that as an adult I can reframe those old memories and let go. Trying so hard to take responsibility for everything is exhausting!

    • Sas says:

      Donna it really is just so bloody tiring isn’t it?! I completely understand not wanting to be the fussy one. I wonder what would happen if you decided to own your lovely bossy self? I bet she is ace 🙂

  2. Annie says:

    My family has teased me for years about this. While I would prefer they not do so nowadays I just let the comments and jokes roll off my back and smile because I know that without my “being bossy” a lot of things they want us to do together would not otherwise happen since none of them can seem to make a decision and act on it. If I didn’t take the lead they would sit there all day saying “I’ll leave it up to you to decide” to each other.

    • Sas says:

      Yes! Decision making is a massively under-rated quality. ‘I don’t know, whatever you want’ might be the most unsexy phrase in the English language.