five ways to be online, while the world wakes up to itself

August 16, 2017

Current highlights of my Facebook feed include:

  • A photo of a pensive looking dog.
  • Someone apologizing for sharing an image of her (gorgeous) hairdo, after learning neo-Nazi’s were marching in Charlottesville.
  • Someone sharing their latest e-course about mindfulness.
  • A genius video that offers a valid explanation for Trump’s absurd rhetoric.
  • Someone stating that if you run an online business and don’t speak out against injustice, she will never buy from you.
  • A story about a disabled goat (with a happy ending).

Since the day after the UK voted to leave the European Union, I’ve experienced an underlying sense of dread – that we are on the edge of something dangerous, fragile.

It’s been helpful to remind myself that it was ever thus. Our world was founded on the violence and oppression of colonisation. Consequently, sexism and racism are the cornerstones of our culture.

It’s still difficult to realise the truth of this. It’s excruciating to come to know the ways that we actively, if unconsciously participate in it. And it can be heartbreaking to discover the people we care about, hold views that deliberately support and perpetuate it.

I have found injustice – the fear, anger, sadness, the utter wrongness at the state of things – to be one of the hardest emotions to articulate.

My work is about helping people to navigate through self-doubt. One of the core ways that self-doubt protects us, is to keep us silent, invisible.

Because so much of our connection happens online these days, social media is becoming the wild west of our awakening to consciousness. Naturally, it’s a mess.

Sometimes going online feels like walking into a firefight. There are assumption grenades thrown down the High St, judgmental potshots pepper the air; somewhere on a water tower, there’s a Sniper of Justice ready to take out anyone who isn’t meeting expectations.

Meanwhile, underneath a porch, a yoga teacher is just trying to share a picture of her avocado toast, utterly bewildered by the lack of love and light and Lululemon in the world.

There is no award for the most righteous.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by the state of the world, if you are hiding because you fear being shamed for getting it wrong, or if everything that is NOT political feels too frivolous to share, I’m with you. Here are a few approaches I’ve found helpful:

1 Don’t dismiss people who aren’t perfect (including yourself)

We are all in the muck of it. And we all have an endless ability to be thoughtless, inarticulate, plain wrong.

I have learnt SO much from being willing to look at all the ways I am blind to my own bias. Saying ‘that’s not what I meant’ and clarifying. Saying ‘I didn’t know that’ or, ‘I’m sorry’ opens everything up.

‘Be humble and ready to fumble’ is stellar advice from Desiree Adaway, an activist who uses her Facebook feed to talk about oppression (Desiree sets an unapologetic example, is poetic, fierce, thoughtful and you should all totally follow her).

And if you are on the receiving end of something that causes offence, first: pause. Consider the nature of your connection before deciding how to respond. I tend to ask for clarification and let people show me who they are.

Because we are always in choice.

We can choose to argue, disagree, rage against them in all caps, share an alternative experience, forgive them, decide they are not our people. Or just assholes.

My hunch is that we don’t want to feel separate from each other, which is why it hurts when someone lets us down. It makes complete sense that our natural inclination is to armour up.  But it’s really freakin’ hard to grow, learn, dance or fall over, in a suit of armour.

2 Don’t get in the way

You know how it goes. Some people are discussing something – posting links, proffering ideas – and then someone will rock up and say ‘What about ‘this’ though?’ and introduce some adjacent but unhelpful side issue that invariably takes the conversation somewhere else. The original poster then gets sucked into an exhausting vortex of something slightly related to what they first meant.

When we get in the way, we hijack the conversation. And there is just no need to piggyback off someone else. If you have an opinion, make it in your own way. And then refer to 1. (above).

And when you get accosted by someone who says ‘You cannot talk about this unless you also talk about that’ the best response is: ‘thanks! I’d love you to take that bit on and talk about it on your page/feed’.

Kelly Diels once offered a useful metaphor – that we are all deconstructing the walls of oppression, and the fastest way to do this, is for all of us to take out the bricks in front of us. We all do our bit, based on our experience, knowledge and ability and slowly, collectively, we’ll take the thing down.

3 Don’t assume silence is assent

Many of us are in an ongoing relationship with grief. One of the hardest parts of my job is sitting with women who are processing through the echoes of sadness, often from decades old events.

I don’t think we ever get to a place of being healed; instead, we learn to tend to the scars of our loss as best we can. One of the ways we do this is to protect our energy.

There is a deep and insidious fatigue that anyone who is not white, heterosexual, middle-class, able-bodied or mentally well must endure every damn day.

Sometimes, breathing is an act of revolution. Sometimes silence is self-care. Sometimes not getting involved in a debate on Facebook, is as far from assent as we can imagine.

4 Keep showing up

Many, many times I have not said or written something because I was worried that it might seem frivolous. I didn’t want to be judged or to be insensitive. But this serves no one.

I am trying to show up with courage and to do this in as thoughtful a way as I can.

So keep sharing your beautiful work. And dying your hair purple. Writing poetry. Photographing your avocado toast, and your kids cooling off under a sprinkler with that look of pure joy on their faces. Keep making jewellery. Share the goat videos.

We need this more than ever.

5 Participate (because we are going to need more than just love and light)

You can march in the streets. You can also stand firm in your home, your office, your Instagram feed and at the family dining table.

You can donate to causes, organisations and individuals who are doing the heavy lifting. You can join in.

Vote. Always.

I believe with everything in my bones that your voice matters.

Because it’s not ignorance, hate or fear that is at risk of defeating us. Our real enemy is indifference.

When we are so weary from all the terror, bold-faced lies, incompetence and political rhetoric, that we opt out.

We don’t watch, we don’t read, we don’t speak up and we don’t think critically. We see people that don’t look like us as the Other. Perhaps suspicious, a threat.

And we separate.

But it only takes one of us
one act,
one glance,
one touch,
one word,
one kindness,
to create a connection, find common ground, open up the possibility of neighbourly love.

To see each other with wide-eyed reality. To keep the flames of hope burning.

While the world wakes up to itself, hope is not cheap optimism. It’s our life raft.

for your aural pleasure…

July 20, 2017

This Summer, I am currently extracting no small amount of pleasure from driving my aces new car, with Bodhi the Wonderpup in the wingman seat, while listening to a juicy podcast.

I’m feeling a little obsessed with the medium, as I’m preparing to launch my very own podcast!

Courage & Spice is the podcast for humans with self-doubt.

After spending 2014 in various Oxford libraries researching self-doubt for my MA, the last few years have been about coaching clients through their particular flavour of self-doubt. And I know it is absolutely possible to alleviate the impact it has on our relationships, our creativity and our work in the world.

Self-doubt has become an absolute passion for me, I could talk about it ALL DAY. I cannot wait to share Courage & Spice with you!

The podcast will be ready in September, so in the meantime, I thought I’d share the contents of my Podcast Stream. Enjoy.

OnBeing – Krista Tippett is my Podcasting Spirit Animal. Poets, writers, scientists, cultural and religious leaders engage in hour long conversations on the nature of being human. I’ve been introduced to countless unknown smart people through OnBeing.

This American Life – Like tiny documentaries, Ira Glass weaves three short stories through a loose theme.

Revisionist History – Ubergeek Malcolm Gladwell revisits unknown or misunderstood incidents from history. Way more interesting than it might sound.

Under the Skin – Russell Brand is human marmite, yes, however, I loved this interview with my favourite comedian Frankie Boyle.

Making Oprah – Having grown up with Ms O as a surrogate mother, I absolutely loved this short series from NPR on the making of the Oprah show. I remembered so many of the episodes mentioned! Mostly though, this reminded me that the best business advice ever: run your own race.

Hashtag Authentic – my good friend Sara Tasker started her podcast earlier this year and she is a huge inspiration to me. In her down-to-earth Yorkshire way, she talks about life as a creative entrepreneur with a mix of thoughtful advice, her own learning and juicy interviews.

Being Boss – Kathleen Shannon and Emily Thompson’s episodes are a mix of business advice and interviews with business owners. A welcome relief from the squillion young and hungry male podcasters (who I imagine have bought all of Chris Guillebeau’s books, fantasise about a paid gig on Pro-blogger and wear t-shirts that say ‘do epic shit’).

RadioLab – Jad Abumrad and Robert Krulwich co-host this brilliant series on big ideas. It’s about trying to make sense of being human with a sound evidence basis.

Invisibilia  – another from the NPR stable and I’ve only heard a couple of episodes. This is about the invisible forces that control human behaviour – so interesting.

We’ve been having a chat on Facebook about our favourite podcasts! Feel free to share yours.

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