Confession: whenever I decided to change my body, my sole motivation was to reduce the size of my arse to something that did not resemble the back of a Black Cab. I wanted to look hot on the beach in a bikini. I concentrated on the outside stuff because I thought that the sacred cow of the perfect physical shape, would magically lead to the perfect life.
Yes, dear bloggy reader, I fell for THAT bollocks.
The outside results though, were so hard won and didn’t resemble anything close to happiness. I was in a cycle of deprivation, failure, shame and punishment even though I was doing everything the magic new diet/trainer/back of the pill packet told me to do. For years.
The amount of weight I felt I needed to lose was too much to contemplate, and if by some miracle I eventually changed my body, how the hell would I be able to maintain it with the metabolism of a heavy wooden table? I felt like I was engaged in a lifelong struggle of suffering. Of trying to resist Whittaker’s coconut rough choc. And failing.
I was so desperate to get some freakin’ peace.
And I did. And it came with so much more than I ever expected. Because getting to here had nothing whatsoever to do with anything that has ever existed outside of myself.
That’s the cosmic joke: the very thing we resist is so often the doorway to the life we crave.
My physical transformation only happened as a result of massive internal changes that have delivered more happiness than smaller jeans ever could.
By connecting my body, mind and soul into the bestest version of me, I now feel connected to everything and everyone around me. The kindness and compassion I have shown to myself, I can now give freely to others without unspoken conditions, and without it feeling twee. I had to learn to show love to myself when I felt my most unlovable: to just accept that the un-learning and the re-learning would be frustrating and the opposite of an instant fix.
And I had to find the courage to tell you my story in all its messiness and hard-truths. These were the necessary ingredients for finding the peace I despaired of for years.
That my arse is a bit smaller is a total bonus.