Saturday was glorious and sunny; the whole city is buzzing with infectious olympicness. We spent the afternoon in a rowing boat on the lake, in the middle of Regent’s Park. Followed by a spontaneous ice-cream and a wander through the trees: it has become an annual date for us. And this year was epic.
I wore a sleeveless flowery summer top over jeans. Which is not particularly eventful in and of itself. But how I felt in that outfit, in my body, marks a spasmodic shift in my little cosmos. There was no clothes drama, no anticipated stress at being out in the park on a hot day. I didn’t need to adjust my top or worry about the bulking effect of a layered outfit, I was not concerned with my thighs rubbing together or the shame of eating an ice-cream in public followed by the overwhelming guilt and need to atone. I was a woman in the park on a date with her husband.
The thing is, I have ALWAYS been a woman in the park on a date with her husband. But having let go of the shame and the guilt and the fears and the endless, exhausting obsession with food and weight and the size of my thighs, I was so much more in the park. With all of that other stuff no longer taking up space in my head, I noticed the way the birds chatted to each other, how the geese flew around the lake in great swirling loops, while the gulls sat on posts and yelled ‘MINE!’. I felt the breeze on my skin that smelled of sunscreen and rose perfume. I melted with empathy for the little boy on the lakeside path watching us wide-eyed, who was super-sorry for an earlier indiscretion, the punishment of which involved no boat ride for him. And my ice-cream was full of strawberries and tasted of awesome.
The whole experience was amplified because all of me was all there.
I am in new territory. This body I am inhabiting is now officially the smallest body possessed by adult me. But also, I am now officially, the most me ever. I feel sure that these events are both utterly connected. Turning inward and being mindful, has enabled me to wake myself up. I don’t feel frightened by anything I can feel or remember feeling, I am beyond any feeling. Bigger than. Vaster than. And so there is no reason anymore, to turn to food, shopping, drinking et al, because these experiences keep me from being present.
From being alive in my own life.
‘Wherever you are, be all there’ ~ Jim Elliot
I remember – back in the…ooh…eighties??? – hearing Oprah say that we often use weight to build a physical suit of armour. To protect us from the world we’re afraid of. Whatever theory I’ve clicked with since, whatever spiritual angle I’ve put on it…damn it the woman was right. Which is why she’s Oprah :) The less armour we wear, the more we feel, the more we can move and the more we recover our connection. How freakin’ awesome is that? I love you and your visionary courage. xxx
your journey is so inspiring to me. it motivates me when i’m feeling plateaued by my efforts at toning up. this stick to it and actually go workout more than 1x a week is new to me, as is sticking with it and wanting to go. i feel like i have a healthy living mate, even if it is vicariously. :)
bless :)
wanting to go – yes – moving into this space was massive for me! i have found that i actually enjoy running. i miss it when i don’t go for more than a week.
maybe finding something you find fun would help?
x
I love this post. I went to the beach last week and wore a bathing suit (comfortably, I might add) for the first time in years. I am learning it’s not about my size, but the state of my heart.
I’ve popped over from Amanda’s at Habit of Being this morning. I will definitely be back. Blessings!
hello love!
the state of your heart – YES! thats ALL that matters x
“The whole experience was amplified because all of me was all there.”
yes. just that, right there. absolute perfection.
ps: so, so happy for you!
*air punches*
Yus! All of you. All of perfect unique you x
How liberating … I am getting to that place, slowly but surely. I used to experience the whole clothes drama thing. My husband would tell me “it’s always the third outfit you try on that you decide to wear.” Not sure why. Anyway, I wish you a great week and hope that London doesn’t have too much of an Olympics hang over.
This post fills me with so much possibility, and even hope (which typically I try to avoid) because it shows that this place, this person, this moment exists, and I can “go to there” on my own two feet, with my open heart, so it’s okay to relax about it, to stop smashing myself to bits. Take a breath, take a step, show up with an open heart, that’s it.
showing up with an open heart – who can ask for anything more?
x
Beautiful!
AMAZING!
cheering you on, always
love you mrs wise x
“I don’t feel frightened by anything I can feel or remember feeling, I am beyond any feeling.”
This resonates sooo much. I have always prided myself on being a pretty even keeled, no drama sort of gal. What I didn’t realize until fairly recently is I controlled through avoidance, through mindless disconnection with people and food. Examining my life and relationships only to realize that I was there, but not fully present. Present in the way that is sensed deeply rather than merely seen. Thank you for sharing your journey so candidly.
yes – i did this too!
avoidance or not fully participating (and in my case, judging from the sidelines) is a powerful tool in the avoidance of being seen.
now i can see that for me it was a fear that somehow i wouldn’t get enough, and therefore i wouldn’t be loved. just like (I suspect) everyone else on the planet :)
thank you for being here x