The thing that happened last weekend, somewhere between the smudging of sage and the juicing of kale, was that I remembered myself. On Sunday morning I went out to get the papers and took a slow drive through frosted country lanes to Cirencester: no deadlines, both phones were unblinking with no-reminders, no expectations, no to-do list. Peace. I pulled onto the verge to take a photo of a stone wall and the fields beyond. It was freezing outside, shockingly cold. And I looked around me and took a deep breath and felt my whole entire mind, body, spirit and soul just relax.
I am so fucking tired. Of not loving what I do but resigned to the fact that this pays well and I am quite good at it. And who am I in this economy to want more? But I can’t shake the feeling of being a little trapped, of knowing that I am not creating anything that is mine.
Ultimately this current gig ain’t exactly smokin’ my tyres.
Later on Sunday afternoon I was lucky enough to have half an hour tucked up on the sofa in front of the fire: just me and Emma. We talked about what we had dreamt of for ourselves when we were little and how easy it is to end up somewhere without really consciously choosing a path. It was a giggly dreamy kind of conversation that didn’t seem all that life-changing. But since then squllions of right-brain neurons have been firing off in all directions.
I have been remembering and reflecting on all the bloody scary-brilliant growing I needed, to get to here. How I have managed to start again a couple of times over (in a couple of different countries). I have pushed myself, educated myself, paid off my student loans myself and managed to not get myself in any more debt. And I have learnt to be kind to myself, to be consciously amazed at my very own body. I have glimpsed at despair and managed to haul myself out of the hole several times. I have had my heart opened up on an operating table aged four-and-a-quarter, and then continually broken and mended until I closed it up for business for a while. And then I let myself fall in love again. And because of all of these things and perhaps because 40 is winking at me from around the corner, for the first time in my life I feel whole.
I feel like I am finally getting it: the big IT: my purpose on this here rotating orb. I have been thinking about the things that make me tick, that are central to the very core of my being, without which I will wither to a dry husk. These are five very simple, un-extraordinary things: ideas, words, food, connections – all fuelled by great coffee. And this realisation is forming into a plan for my future that feels so real I can taste it.
It makes my heart beat and my eyes water just thinking about it.
I bloody love you xo
right back at you x
Brilliant post. You’re really onto something there! I can feel it, babe xx
You truly are an amazing woman – I don’t say that lightly. I feel so honoured to call you my friend. You have so MUCH in front of you oh and by the way…look what I just found:
“a high-energy knee chakra allows you to give yourself permission—to give yourself the things you need.”
:)
I’ve been thinking on the same things. Simplifying the language…integrating…see what it is that I can give to the world. Early days yet, but something was set in motion last weekend (just not my car).
xxx
xxxxxxx
*plants big sloppy kisses on knees* :)
i am in total awe of you. it’s taken me three goes to read this the whole way through.
it’s been so amazing to meet you – again, again, again. each time i learn something more about you and watch you grow, i am astonished. by what you have done. by the realisations that you have (continue to have).
it’s a wonder to behold. truly.
(and i fucking love you too)
Sas, I am a distant reader and admirer of your words, and getting even just a glimpse of how your journey unfolded over recent years has been an amazing privilege. I am ten years older than you and recognize my younger self at a similar point in my life back then. Only I could have never expressed it as eloquently :)
So does this mean you are going to open a bookstore cafe??
thanks for your kind words love! and yes something like that is brewing in the ideas factory x
You are inspiring beyond words.
I echo the others – big growling love for you.
and also tears from me –
xo
My heart started racing reading your final paragraph. Feels like another “starting again” is on the horizon. So very proud of you for being open to change/challenge/risk (outside of the comfort of the boardroom). And for me, the only way anyone can fail is not to try. Even if things don’t end up going the way you initially planned, trying always brings learning (of the world, of yourself) and usually ends up triggering new ideas and paths anyway. Much aroha to you, my lovely xxx