I can’t think of my word. I feel as though I am made of glass. The world feels too big and too loud. I am scared at how scared I feel. I wanted a clean-slate, a fresh-start, a do-over, but I feel like I am back in the hole. I can’t sleep. My dreams leave me breathless. I can’t let go. I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I wish I didn’t care so much. Sometimes I wonder how I got here. Doing this work. I don’t feel very good about how I have handled some things. I know I am stressed. I am trying to figure it out. I know I need to stay in the moment, take each day as it comes, trust it will be ok. Know I am not alone.
I have found myself praying in the wee small hours: tell me what to do.
Something comes back, always the same.
Just breathe.
not alone. not alone. not alone.
Not alone at all. I’m also in a hole. Know it will be ok. Something will change and turn this hole upside down and you’ll come tumbling out, and me out of mine too.
I am not a regular commenter on here (far from it) but this what you have written has really touched me, partly because my relationship with my father is so bloody awful and from time to time causes me so much emotional pain. (I find that I want to say to you something I need to remind myself of often – remember to look after the little girl inside. She sounds like she really needs lots of love. So I am sending love your way.)
Absolutely not alone.
Maybe your word should be breathe – it has space for the ups and the downs of the year. Or inspire (which can mean to draw in by inhaling) or simply space – to give yourself some around all that has gone and is going on.
Hug. Soon. Promise.
xoox
piano girl totally looks like andrea zuckerman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ng84LsKQ-SQ
I’m with you Sas. The dog had to sleep touching me last night as I was so scared and needed more than her quiet breathing in the next room. Thankfully she didn’t mind.
Indeed, as others here have said ~ you are not alone. I, too, feel like I’m made of glass. And I’m falling, falling, falling holding my breath waiting to shatter. But I don’t, instead I find myself walking through quicksand. I tell myself that this, too, shall pass.
No, dear sas. You are not alone. I awake in the middle of the night from a bad dream, scared. But I also feel the need to breathe, deep 10-second-long breaths. Then sleep comes back to me. You are not alone, this is a scary time.
All you can do is breathe and keep going. And try to be kind to yourself.
How can I help, Sas? Presumptuous perhaps. It’s just that you’re wonderful and sometimes we need to be reminded of that.
I wish I could help. But all I can do is send you a hug. xx
I wish I could help too, I read this earlier and it’s bothered me all morning. Eat well, look after yourself and just keep breathing, it’ll pass, promise, x
You have done so much with your life Sas, look how you have grown, look at the people who love you and WANT to be in your life, to share your ups but also help with your downs..they are the ones who matter. Whether he thinks of you or not…does it matter? and I say all this because, like you, I wonder if a certain person I loved thinks of me…I know the answer, so do you really; so in the early hours of the morning…. just breath and know you are loved by many. xxxx
I don’t think you should worry about it. I often find myself in a pit of despair and I would rake through the trauma of my life searching for whatever broken bit of me was responsible this time, often almost destroying good current things (job, relationships) so determined was I to find the culprit. Then one day it passes for no reason at all and I realise it was all bollocks, just the product of hormones or a toxic liver. Poisonous liver = poisonous thoughts. We’re just a product of the chemical wash in our brains. I don’t know if this is reassuring or disappointing.
I know this and I know you. Sending love, light and shiny objects, lady xx
Someone once told me that if breathing is all that you can do to get from one moment to the next, then that’s a massive achievement. You know if won’t always be like that, but I hope it gets better sooner, than later…
Love. Be loved. Everything else is insignificant. That is the gift my kids have given me.
I read this blog earlier but didn’t have enough “quiet” to respond. Later in the afternoon I stained my feet green due to walking on the lawn immediately after H had cut the grass, and for some bizarre reason, I thought of you again. I’m not even going to try to analyze it, but I even almost took a photo to send through. Take a “well” day off work, go and find yourself a piece of lawn, and spread your toes into it.