Fifteen years ago I graduated with student loans of more than $50,000, a bank overdraft and a Bachelor of Arts. My first job was at the Department of Corrections in Dunedin, where I earned $26,000. It felt like a million dollars. I bought Rhonda the Honda and a sofa and didn’t save a thing. After six months I was bored at work. I volunteered to help implement a new software system and stayed late every night for months to ‘clean’ case file data. It was data entry. But it felt purposeful, like I was part of something bigger than me. After that project was implemented, I decided I didn’t want to be there any more. So I moved to Wellington and worked the muff on an IT Helpdesk. My salary jumped and I bought a red car with a V6 engine and lots of Ally McBeal suits. I worked hard. I listened. I was blessed with fantastic mentors. I applied for and got another role. And then a year later I did it again. Lesson one: listen and work hard, recognise opportunity and back yourself.
My first job in London was with a new media start-up. It imploded after 18 months. Luckily, it was backed by a bigger, very solvent company and I received a redundancy payment which allowed me to take a summer off and think about what I really really wanted to do. Mostly this involved getting very far away from anything to do with new media. Lesson two: sometimes you need to stop to change direction.
Up until the implosion I had supported a colleague to stop smoking. In return for my not-quite-12-step method, he registered me a company. For reasons largely to do with fate, we are working together again and his sense of humour is still a lifesaver. Lesson three: bartered exchanges given with love, are completely awesome.
My first venture as a self-employed person was a baptism of fire. I had this much *squeezes fingers to indicate very small amount* idea about what I was doing. Luckily I was working in local government so nobody seemed to notice. And for all the craziness council meetings (that went on for 72 days) I believed in the project. I got more work and more confidence. I was able to pay off most of my student loan. Oh and the ex-husband’s debt. Lesson four: do not pay off other people’s debt. Under any circumstances.
When he left unexpectedly, all joint financial responsibilities fell into my lap. That was shitty for a while. I realised that I had abdicated budgetary decision-making to him. I had felt undeserving and guilty for earning significantly more, so I had let him decide how we spent our money. Lesson five: do not let anyone else take responsibility for your money.
When it came to the divorce I just wanted to file the paperwork and be done with it. But then I met Venisha Shah: solicitor, advocate, coach, superhero. She taught me that marriage is an emotional and a financial commitment and that when someone reneges on a deal, there are consequences (this has also proven to be a valuable lesson professionally). And I worked with an awesome coach, Hilary Cunningham. I began to understand my own values around charging for my services (delivery is everything, no contract is worth underselling for, no one works for free). Lesson six: invest in experts who have your back.
For the next few years I worked crazy hours. I found that word of mouth got me more work. Everything flowed. And in the few ebbs I invested in sometimes one star (any flat surface can be a bed, hot water is optional) sometimes five star (princess) travel to Turkey, Spain, Morocco, Greece, Italy, Prague, Bruges, New York. My eyes and my heart opened. I bought several pairs of Jimmy Choos, a large selection of matching lingerie, a LOT of champagne, and a few dozen suppers at Michelin starred restaurants. It was an absolute blast! It was also about proving to myself that I was worth beautiful things. A sizeable bit was about hiding from grief and the rest was the fear that at any moment it could all be taken from me. Lesson seven: spending money on ourselves reassures us that that we matter.
During a trip home to Wellington I went to see a house in Brooklyn. I don’t think I was even all the way in the hallway when I had this very clear sense that this was meant to be my house. Even though it was the first house I had looked at. Ever. Thirty-six hours later, having met with a mortgage broker, a builder and an architect, the house was mine. Lesson eight: trust your gut, make shit happen.
These days Science Guy and I pay a percentage of our incomes into a shared account for household bills. The rest is our own to play and to plan with. And many of my plans are tied up in money – mostly this is about creating a life I am proud of. I still want to buy a car that will require the wearing of a headscarf on sunny days. But more importantly I want financial independence. Because I want the option of working and not working. Of volunteering my skills. Perhaps as an aid worker. Perhaps for a charity I respect or a UN programme. Lesson nine: plan and dream big.
My relationship with cash is complex. Its intermingled with my sense of who I am and what I deserve. Its the juice that keeps everything moving. Sometimes it can seem like imaginary numbers that don’t mean a thing. But the feelings I have about moolah, mirror the feelings I have about myself: about what I think I am worth. I have learned to respect money. I love what it can create. I love how sharing it feels. I love the juicy possibility it provides. And I want to continue to grow and change and feed my ambition. I want more lessons, more experiences, more juice, more of life.
Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you ~ Oscar Wilde
There is so much I could say in reaction to this post but suffice to say that I have refused steadfastly to pay off my husband’s (extensive) debts (he hasn’t asked but of course it would make life easier in some ways) and the only joint account we have is for savings!
Wonderful wisdom from you as always Sas. Thank you
x
nice work – that is what I would do now too.
My my. Nine lessons that anybody can use, and hopefully some will. My relationship to money has also been complex, but now, in retirement, I am so happy not to have anything but what shows up by magic in my checking account. It’s not a lot, but my days now belong to me, after decades of them belonging to everyone but me.
Oh thats my absolute dream outcome too! A retirement packed with adventures and enough money to support it. Enough is completely relative of course. But i do think we pretty quickly reach the point of diminishing returns in westernised countries.
These are great lessons…I am a particular fan of 8 and 9. Just hopped onto your blog for the first time… love your header!
and yet another reason why you are in my life: to teach me this.
xx
Love the post!
I particularly stand behind Lesson #8 and #9.
Hell, I’m down with all of them. But a few were harder to learn than others.
Well done! You should turn this into a coffee table book!
:-)
totally, perfectly, wonderfully spot on and thanks for all the reminders, esp: #5 and #9… those 2 seem particularly difficult for me to remember at the most important times to remember them…
i very much enjoyed this post. lots of interesting things to think about. love the quote too.
enjoy your day :)
xo Alison
Thanks for this post. After your interview with Danielle (and, for that matter, my session with Danielle earlier this year) I’ve been thinking about my relationship to money. I’ve always been in the “as long as I have enough to cover all my bills I don’t need or want any more” category – but I’m suddenly realising I don’t want to have to be working when I’m 70 – so I better start thinking about making a little more than just enough, I guess I need just enough and then a wee bit more to put aside!
Oh – and the highest paying job I’ve ever had came through that UN jobs website. You don’t need to volunteer with the UN, they pay, well. Small NGOs, on the other hand, would eat up some volunteer time from a whizz like you!
yes we need to aim high and recognise our own worth. also rejecting the corporate ladder creates an interesting dichotomy around squaring off the desire for wealth.
i think this comes down to authentic motives and authentic means (by which the money is earned).
None of these things surprise me about you and they’re reasons 452-460 why I think you’re fab.
where do i sigh up for the mutual appreciation society?
wow you’ve done some interesting stuff!!!!
says the fancy personal chef to the stars ;)
Yay for financial independence!!! The only limiting factors in this world are really time and imagination.
amen brother!
LOVE this! all good lessons.
Truth. I love Truth. And it’s advice that I needed to hear. Thanks.