January: heart breaking, life shattering, month of endings. This is the busiest time for divorce lawyers. I guess no one wants to be the arsehole that left at Christmas. So people wait, toy with their imminent decision; imagine a future of holding on, and one of letting go. And they spend those last few days distracted and impatient, sad, different. The days before the awful ending. Because nothing ends well. Otherwise it wouldn’t end.
Several friends are in this now and their endings were sudden, shocking, sad. My heart aches for them. And the thing is they are gorgeous, vibrant, talented; they will get through this and their hearts will heal. But right now they are in the midst of it, when everything falls apart and you are left standing there naked and bereft, wondering what the fuck just happened to my life?
My own car crash happened on the 29th of December 2004. Five years ago. And even now; healed and loved, at times I feel as though I am just white-knuckling my way through. I still fear the ending. Perhaps more so, as this love is terrifying. It’s death-defying. But I believe it should be. Love should shake you out of yourself. It should make you feel alive. You should want to be naked with that person for a high percentage of the time. And to share your life, hopes, dreams, plans, fears, bodily fluids. Because this is about being known. Seen. Understood. Loved in spite of all your shitty habits and foibles and quirks. Your baggage. The Crazy. The stories you tell yourself about yourself.
What I have learnt is that you have to be real about where your belief of love and romance and happily ever after came from. You have to do some picking over of the relationship you learnt from. You have to know about your flawed and fucked up parents who had their own crappy narratives handed down to them. Understand where your myths were born. Be alone. Know thyself. Find out what makes you happy. Take your time. And be careful with your heart. Be the flame, not the moth. Listen, watch; drink in new people. Don’t believe the hype and the bullshit. Don’t be afraid to be alone. Know a person before you give yourself to them. Let them tell you their story. And if its not the story that’s right for you: wait. Wait for the one who will keep the vampires from your door.
And for my dear lovely friends who are on the floor right now: grieve, be angry, be sad, let yourself be cracked open, let yourself be cared for. Think, notice, write it out, learn; believe. This too will pass.
A successful marriage is basically an endless cycle of wrongs committed, apologies offered, and forgiveness granted… all leavened by the occasional orgasm ~ Savage
This is so beautiful, and honest. So many people rush trying to find love, and end up putting up with something that is not love just because they’re afraid to be alone. It makes me sad to see some of my friends doing that… Maybe I should translate this into Spanish for them! :)
I had to let this sit for a few days before commenting, because what you wrote is so, exactly, IT.
It’s hard to open your heart and let love in again. I’m glad you were able to. I wish that for everyone.
I feel like tatooing the fourth paragraph on the inside of my brain so that I can read it daily.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your love, wise woman! ?
Break up is one of the hardest things to go through but it is much harder (and worse) to stay in a relationship where there’s no love left. Keeping my fingers crossed for your friends that they come through this even stronger.
It’s like highschool: teeth terror at the time, a blurry bit of reconstructed history now.
Poignant, authentic and beautiful words as always Sas. Like you, I survived a crash, and am now healed and loved, but there are still scars, especially when you see it happen to other people. The comforting thing is that we too thought our lives were over – but they weren’t, they were only just starting. We survived, and so will those who are currently in pain.
And I hope I am the flame now, rather than the moth :) x
Beautiful. Without grief true joy can never be appreciated.
Your words are so familiar to anyone who’s ever suffered a great loss – then survived and even thrived. Truly, better days are ahead for your friends going through this pain now… And yes, be the flame, not the moth. That’s so important. Well said, you!
Probably the truest thing I’ve read in months.
Your writing is exquisite.
Wow – perfectly, fabulously written.
this is so poignantly beautiful.
you hit the essence here.
my, you are on amazing woman.
xp
and you crack my heart open a little wider with the truth in your words.
i adore you lady
oh my. you nailed this one, honey. felt it. really really felt it.
(there is so really SO MUCH for us to talk about) xx
This is powerful stuff. I hope a lot of people read your post today because them’s some powerful truths you’ve cooked up.
Fabulous. I’m sorry you felt moved to write it by the pain of your friends but you’re so insightful.
I got this quote by email today and had to send it on to Charlie – who was sitting opposite me at his laptop. Heh. We need to remind ourselves of these things at the moment when the diamonds occasionally leave scratches.
“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.”
—Ann Landers
I've just re-read this wonderful post of yours. It's exactly two months after my crash. And I get your post now. I get it because I am out of the shock, the protective cotton-wool of shock. And it makes me cry. You know this is only the second time I've cried since it happened? Thank you for that. I've felt like there has been something missing.