January: heart breaking, life shattering, month of endings. This is the busiest time for divorce lawyers. I guess no one wants to be the arsehole that left at Christmas. So people wait, toy with their imminent decision; imagine a future of holding on, and one of letting go. And they spend those last few days distracted and impatient, sad, different. The days before the awful ending. Because nothing ends well. Otherwise it wouldn’t end.
Several friends are in this now and their endings were sudden, shocking, sad. My heart aches for them. And the thing is they are gorgeous, vibrant, talented; they will get through this and their hearts will heal. But right now they are in the midst of it, when everything falls apart and you are left standing there naked and bereft, wondering what the fuck just happened to my life?
My own car crash happened on the 29th of December 2004. Five years ago. And even now; healed and loved, at times I feel as though I am just white-knuckling my way through. I still fear the ending. Perhaps more so, as this love is terrifying. It’s death-defying. But I believe it should be. Love should shake you out of yourself. It should make you feel alive. You should want to be naked with that person for a high percentage of the time. And to share your life, hopes, dreams, plans, fears, bodily fluids. Because this is about being known. Seen. Understood. Loved in spite of all your shitty habits and foibles and quirks. Your baggage. The Crazy. The stories you tell yourself about yourself.
What I have learnt is that you have to be real about where your belief of love and romance and happily ever after came from. You have to do some picking over of the relationship you learnt from. You have to know about your flawed and fucked up parents who had their own crappy narratives handed down to them. Understand where your myths were born. Be alone. Know thyself. Find out what makes you happy. Take your time. And be careful with your heart. Be the flame, not the moth. Listen, watch; drink in new people. Don’t believe the hype and the bullshit. Don’t be afraid to be alone. Know a person before you give yourself to them. Let them tell you their story. And if its not the story that’s right for you: wait. Wait for the one who will keep the vampires from your door.
And for my dear lovely friends who are on the floor right now: grieve, be angry, be sad, let yourself be cracked open, let yourself be cared for. Think, notice, write it out, learn; believe. This too will pass.
A successful marriage is basically an endless cycle of wrongs committed, apologies offered, and forgiveness granted… all leavened by the occasional orgasm ~ Savage