The realisation that we are going to be A Proper Couple That Lives Together has been percolating through my brain over the last few weeks. Up until now everywhere has been temporary; stop gaps and pit stops on the way to wherever we are going. And as someone who thrives on momentum, plans and change, that we are about to just ‘be’ somewhere is making me antsy. I find myself losing patience, feeling resentful, generally pissed off. I have cooked myself up a plate of passive aggressive with a side order of petulance. Yup, I am SO much fun to be around right now.
After a few soul searching days, I am starting to understand that this not-so-mature response of mine, is all to do with what I signed up for; it’s part of the getting real and being present, not living in the past or the future. And this carries a shit load of risk. Because if we stand still for long enough, he might just see who I really am. And then maybe he will change his mind. This is at the heart of my fear: that somehow I am not good enough.
I have been playing chess with this fear for the best part of 30 years. And in a weird way I am thankful for it. It has pushed me forward and given me a defiant courage to do it all anyway. I have spent years living on my own, paying my own way, being responsible only for me. I have affirmed to myself every single day that all of these things are evidence of my independence, strength, capability. This is the me I promised myself I would be when I knew there was no going back. And while mostly serving me well, this self-suficiency has also created a dark and twisty me, the one that thinks letting go somehow equals weakness.
I want to keep growing, experiencing and metamorphosing. And this involves allowing myself to be still for a while, to be really here. With him. And it seems the universe is conspiring with me: we have found the perfect place for us, I am excited about work for the first time in years, there are gorgeous, talented soul sisters floating around me, and he is right there through all the crazy. I am beginning to feel as though it is time to be the me I have glimpsed in moments of tranquil realisation. So here I am facing the fear, moving forwards, telling the truth, and embracing the change.
Deep breath and jump.