plans and stuff

When I was 15 I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to achieve in the next 20 years. I wanted to have travelled everywhere, have loved and been loved, got my degree, published (my excruciatingly bad) poetry. The (not so much as it turns out) idealistic dreams of a 15 year old. I envisaged myself working as a lawyer for Amnesty. I wanted to fight the good fight. And as that 20 year deadline approaches in October, I find I still do.

A few weeks ago pioneer woman blogged about changes in plans. Her question “how did I get here?” has been swirling around me. This is fuelled by the growing realisation that my job though challenging, is not filling me up. I seem to be unable to find the energy required to effect real change. And looking back through my draft posts, I have started to blog about this sense of being a bit lost, half a dozen times. Perhaps it is the tangible difference of having the perspective of a permanent employee? It can be a difficult culture to work in, fraught with roadblocks and stop signs. But usually I would find a way around and through such issues. I suspect it is a mix of these things, but underneath the niggles and the frustrations is the fact that I work for an organisation that has the sole purpose of making money. Which is a fine and necessary aspiration. And we do it very, very well. I guess I am just starting to understand that for me to feel filled up, I need my work to be about more than just contributing to the bottom line. I need to know that what I do matters. That I am part of something that on some level, inspires me. And also reflects who I am.

In some ways it is reassuring to know I haven’t changed that much from the idealistic 15 year old. And now that I have written this down, I guess I am forming an intention. The details of which, I trust will come all in good time…